you promised not to let me drown
by Streaks of Hail
Summary: Her love for Will is born out of necessity, but Fitz.. her love for Fitz is born from friendship, from late nights in the lab, from jumping out of planes and sacrificing oxygen and everything in between. Jemma Simmons loves Will Daniels, but Fitz has a piece of her heart that she doesn't think she will ever need (or want) to get back. (post 3x05)


**A/N** : It's rather long and not proof-read, but I was struck by the whole situation with Jemma and Will, and this sprang forth. Keep your fingers crossed for the next episode!

* * *

 **SUMMARY** : Her love for Will is born out of necessity, but Fitz.. her love for Fitz is born from friendship, from late nights in the lab, from jumping out of planes and sacrificing oxygen and everything in between. Jemma Simmons loves Will Daniels, but Fitz has a piece of her heart that she doesn't think she will ever need (or want) to get back.

or,

Jemma resolves the situation, because she didn't earn two PhD's and spend six months on an alien planet for nothing. (but of course, what's love without a few roller coasters?)

/

" _What's more painful: when a person you trusted hurts you? Or when a person you hurt still trusts you?"_

After her admission, the tension is thick enough to cut through with a knife.

And this Jemma knows well, because she's _tried_. Fitz is never unkind to her, because this is Fitz, and he is kind and selfless and brave, but she sees the way he physically draws himself away from her, the way he builds up these walls so she can't see what he's feeling, and she can't stand it.

It makes her want to scream, want to cry, want to do a lot of things, but mainly, she just wants to cling to him and never let go. He acts normal, but his smiles are strained and his laugh is forced, and it's like her presence is physically draining the life out of him. It's killing her, and it's killing him, and she wishes that she could have picked anybody else to help her work on the Monolith, but he's not only the smartest person she knows, but the one she trusts over anybody else.

Jemma's hurting him, so she keeps things to herself, like the fact that she literally has to force herself under the shower head, like the fact she still wakes up screaming, like the fact that the lab - their safe haven - now scares her to no end. She doesn't like the odd noises, the nosy scientists, the cramped spaces and the sterile environment. She's become accustomed to the dirt under her nails and the breeze in her hair and the wide open plains, and this is a part of her that she's not sure will ever go away.

She's changed, but so has everybody else. Coulson has his new hand, _Sk_ \- Daisy's haircut is the smallest difference about her, and Bobbi struggles with her knee brace, but it's Fitz whom she thinks has changed the most. He's filled out more, grown more stubble, but that doesn't concern her. It's the way he acts. Fitz has always been brave, perhaps just in a subtler way, but now he's a reckless kind of brave, the kind of brave that pushes him to throw himself at monoliths, the kind of brave that encourages him to travel to Morocco and bargain with his life, because yes, she's heard the stories.

So if they've all changed, why is it so impossibly hard to talk to him?

She hovers next to him while he's studying the monitor, carefully averting her eyes because the screen is still a little bit too bright for her eyes.

"How is everything going?"

"Fine," Fitz says. "I've been looking at the samples you pulled up, but…" He frowns then, and he just looks so _tired_ and _sad_ that her stomach feels hollow.

"If anyone can do it, we can. Together, remember?" she says, prompting for a smile.

"Yeah," is the response, and somehow it doesn't reassure either of them.

/

Fitz is avoiding her. Officially, truly, avoiding her.

He knows she has a routine so he's conveniently absent when she goes to fetch her tea, and he never shows up when she has dinner with Daisy, Mack and Bobbi. She confesses her worry to them during one meal, and Daisy places her hand over Jemma's.

"He's working hard on the portal," says Daisy.

Bobbi nods. "You know that Fitz cares for you, Jemma. I think he's just a little stressed out right now."

Jemma wonders if they'd say the same if they knew _why_ she wanted to reopen the monolith, if they'd still sit here comforting her knowing that she was the cause of Fitz's anger, and his distress.

Later that evening, she saves what's left of dinner and brings it down to his room. She knocks gingerly, but Fitz's voice is clear when he tells her to come in, and she steels her resolve as she enters the room, smiling lightly at him.

"I brought you some dinner."

"Thanks, you can just.. uh.. put it down somewhere," he says, but he's got a pencil in his teeth and he's staring very determinedly at the schematics and calculations splayed out on the bed before him.

"You should eat something," she tries again, and okay, maybe she's starting to sound a little desperate because she is, unbelievably so. She just wants them to be friends again, just wants things to be normal again, she just.. she just wants Fitz.

"I'm not hungry, Simmons."

His curt response is what gets a reaction from her. She recoils as if physically stung, and no, it shouldn't be this big of a deal, but she's still recovering and flighty and tired, and now she's furiously trying to wipe away her tears before he can see them.

"Are we back to last name basis now?" she asks quietly.

"I don't know what _we_ are now," Fitz says abruptly, and his head snaps up. His eyes are blue, so blue, and it's impossible to look at him without feeling guilt for the lonely astronaut she abandoned, and she inhales so sharply that Fitz instantly looks sorry.

"Jemma, I didn't mean it - "

"It's okay," she tells him, even though the platter of food has ended up on the ground and she's standing with her eyes squeezed shut. "It's fine. I'm just… I just need a little bit.."

Jemma's not actually sure what she needs, but Fitz knows, because there's some careful shuffling and then a hand on her shoulder. She opens her eyes to find Fitz has cautiously navigated past the spilt food, and she's dismayed to find that here she is, once again, forcing Leopold Fitz to dry her tears, to sacrifice everything for her.

He guides her to the bed and this is how she falls asleep, tracks staining her cheeks and tears pooling in his pillow.

When she wakes up in the middle of the night, she's breathing heavily and the tears have started again, because the nightmares won't _ever_ go away, and every time she closes her eyes she sees blue and Will and blue again.

Fitz is snoring at the foot of the bed, but he starts instantly when she jolts up, and soon enough he's sitting next to her on the bed, thumb rubbing soothing circles on her back, a familiar scent of cologne and cinnamon and engine grease. When she finally stops crying he moves to get up, but she clings to him perhaps a little too tightly and whispers, "Stay."

So he stays.

/

In the morning they wake up like that, all tangled limbs and close proximity, with her hair splayed out across her chest and her hand draped over his leg. Fitz stiffens, and Jemma steadies her breathing and pretends she's asleep so she can savour this moment just a little longer. Eventually he relaxes and she thinks she might cry again when his hand drifts through her hair.

Sooner or later she gives up the act, and Fitz practically springs away from her once she's gained proper focus and sat up.

"Breakfast, shower, and then down to the lab?" he offers.

It's a simple request, but Jemma averts her gaze and fiddles with the bedspread instead.

"Actually, after breakfast I might go and see if Bobbi needs any help with her physical therapy.. I know she's eager to get back out in the field."

"Simmons," he says gently, and she flinches, "Bobbi doesn't take physio from you."

"Oh, yes, I know, but I did promise to help and.." The words die on her tongue at his expression.

"You're afraid to go in the lab, aren't you?" At her surprise, he smiles, although it has a note of sadness. "You're a better liar, but we shared ten years together, remember?"

"I'm sorry," she blurts. "I was going to say something but I knew how disappointed you'd be, and I just.. I just want one little thing to go back to normal. Science was.. is.. everything, Fitz. And I can't - I can't even stand in the lab for day."

"It's not everything, Jemma," he says, and the look on Fitz's face is so tender she feels sick right down to her stomach. "Okay, why don't you shower and then I'll bring everything out to the table. Maybe Skye can make some unhelpful comments as we work."

"It's Daisy," she corrects miserably.

He blinks like he's been slapped. "Right. Yeah. Daisy. I forgot."

/

So this is how they work on the monolith, side by side, but not quite together.

Things are strained, but that's okay, because even a broken friendship with Fitz is better than no friendship at all, as Jemma's quickly learned.

Their days are filled with "come look at this" and cups of tea and her forcing herself not to hover in his personal space, because the first time she'd tried he'd stiffened and hastily retreated to the end of the room.

There's good days. Then there are the bad days, when every little thing sets her off and they spend the day not making progress, but curled up in Fitz's room with the laptop set in between them and Netflix playing on the screen. There are days where Fitz seems inexplicably sad, which translates to grumpiness and muffled curses at various schematics.

They get various visitors, of course. There's Mack and Daisy, normally together, and they often bring lots of snacks and gossipy magazines (courtesy of Daisy, of course). Daisy will often make good-natured jibes at their work, while Mack stands by and rolls his eyes.

Bobbi also drops by, and she brings with her kindness and wise words. Often she'll point out flaws they've made or offer her insight, and she's the one who drags Jemma and Daisy off for a girls night when it all gets a bit too much in the lab. Sometimes she'll bring Hunter, on the rare occasions that he's stopped by, and he likes to present cases of beer and insists on giving them pet names.

Coulson stops by of course, albeit rarely, mostly to ask how they're doing, and May is an ever steady presence of calm, even though she's dealing with her own problems.

(Jemma stills remembers asking to see Andrew Garner for another appointment, only to have her world fall from underneath her to find that he's _gone._ That had been one of the bad days.)

And then one day, they find it. They find the solution.

It's so ridiculous and far-fetched that Jemma almost doesn't want to get her hopes up, but beautiful, gorgeous, amazing Fitz pours his whole heart and soul into it and before she knows it they know how to get the portal open and they have a plan of action.

Coulson's discussing sending in a small tactile team to retrieve Will, but Jemma speaks up before she's really even aware she's doing.

"I'm going."

Coulson raises his eyebrows in surprise. "Simmons?"

Jemma can feel Fitz's gaze burning into her neck, but she doesn't drop her gaze and fixes on the director instead.

"I'd like to go. Sir. If you will."

Coulson's brow furrows. "Are you sure? It's understandable that you might have a personal attachment…"

"I'll be good for the mission. I've been there, I know Will. He can trust me. The things there.. they're enough to make anyone suspicious. If it's not me…" She takes a deep breath then. "I need to go, sir."

Coulson is silent for a long moment, until eventually he looks beside him for consent. "May?"

May nods. "I'll go with her."

Jemma is surprised by this statement, but she can't think of anybody else she'd rather have, and she shoots the older woman a smile.

Coulson's eyes flit over the assembled team, until finally he rests on Mack. "Mack, if you're up for the - "

"I'll do it." It's not Mack's voice, but Fitz's, and suddenly Jemma feels such a surge of affection for him that she's not sure how to process it.

Coulson's unsure. "Agent Fitz, if your emotional attachments jeopardize this mission…"

"He can do it," says May, and it's settled. Plans are made, a time is allotted, and slowly agents file out of the room, until only her and Fitz remain.

"Fitz…" she says, and she's surprised by how much emotion is in her voice. "Fitz, if you don't… I can't.. You didn't have to do this."

He shrugs, gaze fixed determinedly on the floor. "What else was I going to do?"

And she's left feeling impossibly, irreversibly guilty.

/

May slips a gun into her holster, and Jemma tries not to physically shake as they stare at the swirling portal in front of them.

It's Fitz's hand that slides into her own, startling but warm and comforting all at once. "It's okay. We're going to get him back. He'll be fine, he's survived fourteen years."

"I'm not worried about that," she confesses, tears hovering at the base of her eyes. "It's just.. that planet. For so long, I was alone, and.. and I'm starting to think.. what if I go back, and he's not there? What if I imagined it all, and I end up on that planet again? Lost in my mind? Fitz.. I'm so scared."

"Don't be," he says, and there's resolve in his eyes. "You've got us now. Me and May. We'll be with you."

"Okay," Jemma says, and somehow she believes him. Mack signals the all-clear, Bobbi hugs Jemma and Fitz briefly, and Daisy chews worriedly on her nails.

"Please come back. Preferably alive would be good."

May nods. "We'll be fine."

Jemma squeezes Fitz's hand, and then they jump into the portal.

/

The mission goes with only a few hiccups. Jemma has a panic attack at the beginning (she'd forgotten just how dark the planet was), but May knows just how to help her through it and soon enough they're being thrown back into their own world, with Will leaning on her and May, and Jemma suddenly feels like wanting to hold on forever and wanting to drop him and keel over at the same time, because he's back, he's here, and the guilt that has been lodged in her stomach ever since she woke up with that shiv in her hand is finally gone.

And later, once she's checked up on Will and cleaned up, she sits in the sick bay and watches him sleep, a soft smile curling up the corners of her smile.

She's almost asleep when the door slides open, and Fitz pops his head in. "Sorry. Didn't mean to wake you."

She smiles at him. "It's fine," she says, and pats the empty spot next to her.

She can physically see Fitz shrinking away at her invitation. "No, I just.. I don't want to interrupt.."

"You're _not_ ," she says firmly, and then Fitz squeezes in next to her. Jemma notices that he's careful not to touch her in anyway, and she blinks away the pang of hurt. She's been expecting something of the sort, but… she's lying if she says it doesn't sting.

"How's he doing?"

Jemma tries to catch his gaze, but he's staring very fixedly at Will, and it's been a long time since Jemma's been able to read his expression, so she takes a breath and answers instead.

"Fine. Tired, most likely. He'll have some trouble adjusting, but.. he should be okay." She hesitates. "I was.. I was hoping.. Well, when I showed him my phone, he was so _amazed._ Fourteen years and the technology has sped up incredibly.. I was wondering if you wanted to.. to introduce him? Show him the ropes?"

This is her, trying to build a bridge between the two loves of her life.

Still, Fitz squeezes his eyes shut tightly. "Je- Simmons. I can't. I'm so glad you were protected, and I'm so glad that you have someone who loves you as much as you love them, but.. but I can't. I can't, knowing that you.. that we…" His voice cracks slightly. "You gave me hope, Jemma. And I should have known it was too good to be true, but now - "

"It's not like that!" she says desperately through her tears. "Fitz, I swear, I - "

"Do you love him?" he interrupts.

"What?"

"Jemma, do you love him?"

His eyes are very blue and very intense and there's a long moment before she can catch her breath and answer. "Yeah. Yes. I do. But.. But I love you too, Fitz."

"But not in the way that you love him," Fitz says, emotionless.

"I.. Fitz.." But the moment of hesitation is obviously all he needs to hear, because he's up on his feet instantly. He yanks his hand away like she's burned him when she reaches out, and he takes in a sharp breath.

"It's okay, Jemma. I just.. I just need some space, okay?"

And then he's gone.

/

The relief that she feels seeing Will is okay almost curbs her desperation over Fitz.

When he wakes up, Jemma fusses over him obsessively. She checks his vitals, runs numerous tests and makes a chart dictating what foods he should eat to get him slowly back into the diet on Earth. She peppers kisses on his cheek, his forehead, even locks her fingers into his, but she can't force herself to do anything more, because the guilt is too high.

Eventually, Will grabs her hand gently as she's preparing for another blood test. "Jemma. I'm going to run out of blood soon. Care to tell me what's wrong?"

"Wrong? Nothing's wrong," she says, voice high-pitched.

"You were stranded on an alien planet for six months, and not once have I seen you like this," Will points out. "It's him, isn't it? Fitz?"

Jemma stifles her sobs and sits down on the end of her bed. "How did you know?"

Will smiles. "Just a gut feeling. Also your friend - Daisy? - always brings him up in conversation, talking about how you guys were such good friends."

"Stupid Daisy," she huffs, but she's smiling through her tears.

"You and this Fitz guy… you were a little more than friends, right?"

Jemma nods. "Actually.. we were a lot more than that. Fitz.. I don't know how to explain my relationship with Fitz. But…"

"But it's special," Will suggests, and she nods vigorously.

"Yes! Before the monolith, before.. you, we had plans. To go to dinner, that is. We've been friends for a long time, but it's only recently that.. that we've been thinking about something a little bigger. A little better."

"And now I'm here."

"Yes! No! Well, yes, but it's not that simple," she says hurriedly.

"You should talk to him."

"I've tried!"

He smiles then, a knowing, small, smile. "Some people just need a little push."

"Yeah, well, you push Fitz too much and he ends up further away," she says miserably, pulling her knees up to her chest.

Will sits up and pulls her closer, using his thumb to brush her tears away. "Hey. You'll figure this out. Voice of optimism, remember?"

"I'm sorry," she says, even though she's trying to hold back a smile. "I've completely desensitised the sickbay with my tears."

Will rolls his eyes. "Don't you think I can leave quarantine yet? I've been in here for days. I'm fine."

She presses a chaste kiss to his cheek. "We'll see."

/

Jemma tries. She really _does_ try.

She tries to corner him during breakfast, approaches him during working hours, knocks on his door after hours.

Leopold Fitz, it seems, has become an expert in avoidance. He always seems to find some way to worm out of her grasp, seems to be mysteriously absent in the times that she knocks on his door, and (rather cruelly, she thinks), has taken to working down in the lab, where he _knows_ she's too afraid to venture down into.

So the days pass like this: working, eating, sleeping, trying to talk to Fitz, and wherever there's a spare moment, guiding Will around the base and helping him to acclimate.

Jemma's just starting to think that maybe, this is how things will be forever, until Daisy lets something slip during a chat with her and Bobbi over beer and tea.

"I can't believe you're acting so nonchalant about Fitz," she says incredulously.

Jemma's head snaps up, and she frowns at Daisy curiously. "Why should I be concerned for Fitz?"

Daisy and Bobbi exchange looks. "He didn't tell you?" asks the former.

"Tell me what?" Jemma asks, hysteria quickly rising.

Bobbi next words are gentle, "Fitz is leaving. Not permanently! Just for a little while. Field mission, a few months out in Australia."

"He's.. he's going?" Jemma manages slowly.

"Tomorrow morning," Bobbi says. "I'm sorry, Jemma."

"But.. but he can't leave. Can he? He's got work to do, his brain injury, he.. Coulson would never approve this!"

She's grasping for straws now, but all she gets is a pat on the hand from Bobbi and a tight hug from Daisy.

/

Later that night, she raps determinedly on his door.

"Fitz! Fitz, it's me."

No answer, as per usual. But she knows he's in there, because this is precisely when Doctor Who is on, and if she knows one thing she knows that Fitz does not miss an episode of Doctor Who when he can help it.

"Leopold Fitz, open this door!" she tries, and she finds with a jolt that she sounds just like his mother.

The door does not open.

Eventually, she loses her grandeur and sort of deflates against the wall, voice quiet. "I know you're leaving."

That's when the door opens. Sure enough, Fitz stands, an episode of Doctor Who playing in the background and an open suitcase on the bed.

He says nothing, so she smiles tearfully at him. "I heard the news. From Bobbi and Daisy, no less. Why.. Why didn't you tell me?" She's trying to act casual and they both know it's not working.

Fitz shrugs. "Didn't want to bother you and Will."

She frowns at him, stomach curling in on itself in a painful knot. "Fitz.. are you leaving because of me? Because I assure you, I'll.. I'll avoid you, if you'd like. You can pretend like I don't exist. Or.. Or I'll leave, if you want. I'm sure Coulson can send me to one of those secret bases he's got, I can work from there - "

"No, Jemma." It's been so long since he's used her first name that she feels like crying all over again, but that would seem desperate and like begging, so she wipes her eyes with her sleeve and braves it instead.

"What is it, then?"

Fitz stares at her for a minute. "You how I feel about you. And.. And for a while there, I let myself believe.. anyway, it was stupid. Now you've got Will. And I… I'm not mad. Or angry, or resentful, or envious, I just.. I'm just upset. And I'm glad you're happy. But I just.. I just need some time to myself, so… yeah."

She returns his stare for a long time, and then suddenly she's throwing herself into his arms, clinging tightly to him, and she doesn't ever want to let go. Fitz is stiff at first, but eventually he relaxes, and they stand there for what seems like eternity, hugging each other like the world is ending.

And in the morning, she presses a kiss to his cheek and tries not to cry when she bids him farewell.

/

Jemma Simmons learns how to live without Fitz, but it's not the same. The team is unwaveringly supportive, but they have bigger problems on hand then their lonely scientist, and so Jemma finds herself with Will more often than not.

She introduces him to the wonders of technology and he takes it all in with wide eyes and a stunned nature. Often she'll speak too fast and he'll have to ask her to simplify her words, and she'll pause for a minute, confused, because she's become so accustomed to having her words instantly understood.

But she always says, "Right, of course," and he always lets it slide, and this is how they live their lives. Will is kind and brave and witty, but there's a Fitz-shaped hole in her life and nothing she tries can plug it up.

She knows this, the team knows this, even Will knows this, and they do their best to plug up the empty space. This means girly nights with Daisy and Bobbi, tai-chi with May, chats with Coulson and occasionally beer with Hunter, when he drops around.

Jemma doesn't receive calls from him. Bobbi reasons that it's probably because they're off on some secret mission, but Jemma's not so sure.

She thinks Fitz is avoiding her. She thinks Fitz is afraid.

(and maybe, a part of her is too)

/

"That's my mum, and my dad, and there's my younger sister," Jemma says proudly, pointing from figure to figure in the photograph. Her and Will are curled up in her room, legs twined under the blankets, a laptop propped up in between them.

Will smiles, but he's got a faraway look in his eyes. "They look nice. Where do they live?"

"Sheffield," she tells him. "It's where we grew up."

"I see," Will says, and he doesn't say anything more for such a long time that she eventually nudges him in the shoulder.

"Will? Are you alright?"

He snaps back quickly. "Yeah, sorry. I was just.. thinking."

"About what?" she asks, curiosity pulling her brow into a crease.

"Just about.. things," he says, far-away. She clams her mouth shut and doesn't ask anymore of him, but he continues on anyway. "It's just.. I was thinking about my life before. About everything. My family, my friends.. I can't believe I was stupid enough to just throw my life away like that."

Jemma smiles sadly at the photo of her family. "Good people do stupid things."

"You sound like you speak from experience," he observes.

"Oh, I do."

/

She should have known it was coming. Will's been distant for days, stirring the food around on his plate, waking up later in the mornings, going to sleep earlier at night. Miniscule things, for sure, but Jemma has always had a love for patterns.

So this is why she's not all too surprised when Will confesses to her one night, when they're all tucked up under the sheets, him listening to classical music and her with her laptop perched on her knees, frowning at her latest project.

It starts off slow, of course.

"How's Fitz?" he asks.

Jemma's fingers still on the keyboard momentarily. "Don't know. He's undercover, apparently."

"Right. Sorry," Will says, and it's a brief moment before he speaks again. "Do you remember when you showed me that video of your friends, and you asked whether I had anybody waiting for me at home?"

"You said no," Jemma remembers.

"Yeah, well.. I might have lied. Or at least, buried the truth. There was.. there was this girl. And.. and I we had something there. She warned me not to go, but we fought, and.. yeah."

"You want to find her again?" Jemma guesses, and strangely, she's not disappointed, or hurt, or jealous. She's fine. Jemma Simmons is fine.

"I love you, Jemma," Will says. "And on the other planet, I think I could have lived with you. Forever. Or at least until we died. But here on Earth… there's new discoveries and opportunities. There's other people here, and I think.. I think we're both avoiding something that's too good for us."

She kisses him then, because his words are more honest than she can conceive, and he runs his hands through her hair and pulls away, and it's when Jemma opens her eyes again and sees a glimpse of blue instead of Will's brown eyes that she really, truly, realises.

Her love for Will is born out of necessity, but Fitz.. her love for Fitz is born from friendship, from late nights in the lab, from jumping out of planes and sacrificing oxygen and everything in between. Jemma Simmons loves Will Daniels, but Fitz has a piece of her heart that she doesn't think she will ever need (or want) to get back.

And then she sits back, and she wonders whether Will sometimes imagines his mystery girl in her place as well.

"Okay," she says, and again, "Okay. Tell me about her."

"Okay, well, her name's Ariel. She had this amazing black hair and the most aggravating smile, and.."

He continues like this for a while, and Jemma leans back and smiles, and she decides that she is content.

/

"We'll keep in touch, yeah?"

Will smirks at her. "As if I'd just forget about you. Besides, if she throws me out into the cold, I have to have someone to return to."

Jemma rolls her eyes, but she's smiling. After a moment, she turns her gaze to him, more solemn. "Will.. a lot can happen in fourteen years. If Ariel isn't there, or if she's moved.."

 _Or if she's even still alive_ , rings in the air, but neither of them voice it.

"It's a chance I'm willing to take," says Will.

Jemma looks down at her feet. "I wish I was that brave."

His hand slips onto her shoulder. "I don't think Not-Brave could have survived on an alien planet for six months by herself."

"I wasn't alone," she reminds him.

Will just shakes his head, presses one last kiss to her forehead, and then turns to catch his ride. "Call me!"

"I will!" she shouts back, and Daisy is suddenly standing by her side, watching as Jemma waves goodbye to the astronaut she'd spent five months with.

"So, just like that?" Daisy asks. "He decides he loves some other girl and you let him go, smiling?"

Jemma shrugs. "I think a part of me will always love Will. But people are put into certain situations, and they might not always be the right ones. Besides, I think.. I think I'm a little partial to someone else."

"It's about time," says Daisy, and her smile is bright enough to dazzle the sun. "Pity though. I was kind of starting to warm up to Daniels."

Jemma groans, and they head back inside to beat Mack and Bobbi at Call of Duty, and she thinks that her world might be starting to right itself again.

/

She receives his email just two weeks later.

It's short, simple, sweet, and it makes her heart jump when she reads it.

 _Coming home_

 _Fitz_

There's a date and not much else, and she spends the night in her bed wide awake and running through the different scenarios in which she'll apologise to Fitz.

What actually happens was not practised in any of her scenarios.

She waits eagerly for his arrival and practically bolts to the hangar when their jet finally touches down. Daisy's smiling fondly and Jemma's almost laughing with relief, because Fitz steps down, and he's safe and he's handsome and, oh god, he's _happy_ , and she doesn't remember the last time she's seen him like that.

Then, a pretty woman with blonde hair steps out behind him, presses a shy kiss to his cheek, and offers to help him carry his things.

Jemma's smile dissolves, and the only thought that's running through her mind is, _too late, too late, too late._

/

Her name is Lily, and everything about her is brilliant, and amazing, and gorgeous.

She's tall, and blonde, and sweet and funny and bright, and she works in the Comms division with skills to rival Daisy herself. She's pretty and she knows how to fight, but most of all she's everything Jemma isn't, and god, Jemma's lying if she says it doesn't hurt.

Because it _hurts_. It hurts a lot. And Jemma's left wondering whether this was how Fitz felt when she had Will, whether he felt like it was hard to breathe every time she held Will's hand or talked about Will or even just being in the same room as her and wondering what she would be doing once she got back to Will.

Because this is how she feels. She feels like her world is crumbling, and fixer-upper Jemma Simmons has no power to fix it, not because she can't, but because she doesn't want to, not when Fitz's smile is bright and he walks with an air to his step.

These are all her thoughts. And this is how she keeps them bottled up.

/

Fitz notices Will's absence the day after his arrival. He asks, and Jemma answers without looking at him, because it's hard to without seeing sweet, innocent Lily, and that brings her a whole new world of complications.

"He's gone," she tells him. "Left about two weeks ago. Very quiet."

Fitz nods, his fingers drumming on the table like he's deliberating something. "Okay. Um.. so.. when is he.. I mean, whenabouts is he getting back?"

She smiles then, training her focus on the sample she's putting away (because, yes, she's learned how to get back in the lab without flinching). "Never." He's obviously surprised, so she straightens up and fixes him with the sincerest look she can muster, goggles shoved up into her hair and a lab coat slipping loosely off her too-bony shoulders.

"He's not coming back, Fitz. We ended it. Or started it, maybe. I'm not sure." She frowns for a moment. "Anyway. We both had a… self-discovery. He is a dear friend, and I love him with all my heart. But I'm not in love with him. And yes, I'm alright."

She closes the door to the fridge, pulls her goggles off, and leaves the lab, and she doesn't feel good, but she feels better.

/

Along with all of Lily's adorable qualities, it seems her lack of resentment seems to be one of them, for she slips right next to Jemma one morning, with a cheery "Hullo," and Jemma is forced to offer her some tea out of politeness.

She plans to escape almost immediately, but Lily flashes her a sweet smile and insists on gushing over Jemma.

"I've heard a lot about you, you know. Fitz talks about you a lot," she chatters, and Jemma promptly spills scalding tea on her hand and spends the next few seconds furiously blinking back tears of pain and running her hand under cold water.

"Yes, well, we used to be close friends."

Lily's smile doesn't fade, but she gains a look of surprise, rushing to find a towel for Jemma and apologising profusely. "Oh, I'm sorry! I was being awfully insensitive. He told me what happened between the two of you, you know? I understand why it must be awkward."

Jemma looked up in surprise. "He did?"

"Oh yes," Lily says, nodding furiously. "If it's any help at all.. he doesn't love you anymore. He told me so. You two could go back to being friends, if you'd like. Wouldn't that be great?"

Jemma nods and pretends like this isn't a punch to the stomach, and she tunes out Lily's mindless chattering. Eventually she excuses herself with the pretense that she is sick (because really, it _is_ half true), and she curls up in her room and reads about documented space explorations until she falls asleep.

/

The next few days she is very careful to avoid Fitz, because every time she sees him she gets that dreadful swooping feeling, and she can't handle it, especially when Lily is sweet and sincere and obviously smitten with him.

However Fitz notices, because lately she'd been spending more and more time with him, and he catches her when she's making tea one evening, and she wonders why all of the most important conversations happen over making tea.

"Jemma, have I.. I mean, am I.. did I do something to upset you?" he asks, and he's so hesitant that she has to smile at him and shake her head.

"No, no. I just.. I'm not having a great day," she lies.

Fitz looks doubtful. "Lily told me you burnt your hand. She sounded really concerned. Is everything okay?"

"Fine!" Jemma says a little too chirpily. "Dandy, really. Lily is very sweet, isn't she, worrying over my health?"

"Jemma…"

"Fitz," she cuts in quickly, before she can change her mind and back out like a coward. "Does she.. Does she make you happy?"

Fitz's gaze flickers at her use of his name, but his nod and words are clear when he speaks next. "Yeah. She makes me feel.. I don't know, she makes me feel clear."

 _I used to do that,_ her mind screams, but her mouth tilts into a thin smile and she nods. "I just want you to be happy, Fitz."

"I feel the same way about you," he says genuinely.

"Do you.." her voice cracks, and she coughs quickly to cover it up, "Do you love her?"

Fitz looks unsure. "I.. I don't know, Jemma. I think.. I think I could. Think I can."

She tries to pretend that this doesn't hurt, and she offers him the nicest look she can manage, and she hopes that he doesn't notice that her voice is thick when she excuses herself under the pretence of work and scurries down the hall.

/

She ends up at Daisy's room.

The other girl isn't there when she crashes in, so she curls up on the bed and sobs salt into her pillow for an undefinable amount of time. Finally Daisy enters, and she drops all her things and throws herself beside Jemma immediately.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

"Fitz," Jemma manages, and soon enough she's spilling the whole story between hiccoughs.

Daisy has no sage words of advice, but she pats Jemma's back and strokes her hair, and right then, that's exactly what she needs.

"I'm sorry," Jemma says, "you're probably very busy.."

"I do have a lot of work," Daisy concedes, "but some things are more important. Hey, let's put on one of those ridiculous action movies so you can point out all it's flaws."

Daisy's just getting up to search for her laptop when a figure passes by and halts immediately. It's Fitz, because who else would it be, and his features are etched in obvious concern.

"Jemma?"

Jemma signals help from behind the blankets she's amassed, trying to hide her tears, and Daisy jumps into action.

"Pick a movie. Something with lots of comedy and sappy romance," she orders, and then she's spinning Fitz out of the room and closing the door behind her.

They're too quiet to hear anything substantial, but every now and then she'll catch confused whispers and snatches of her name.

Later, Daisy comes back in with a small smile. "If you're okay with it, Fitz is going to come in and watch a movie with us, okay?"

Jemma has half a mind to shake her head no, but then she spies Fitz hovering hopefully outside the door and all resolve flies out the window.

Daisy grins and brings out her secret stash of popcorn, and situates herself carefully on Jemma's left side, which means Fitz has got her right. He settles in awkwardly next to her, and at first Jemma has to hold her breath and carefully makes sure no part of her is touching him, but then as the movie progresses she finds herself relaxing. Eventually her limbs stop being so stiff and she starts to creep into his personal space, and it's so much like the good old days that she can't help but smile even as the main character loses his father to the villain's evil clutches, and somewhere along the line she falls asleep.

When she wakes up, it's by Fitz shaking her gently. She's curled up in the crook of his shoulder, and even in her dozy state, that's enough to jolt her awake and force her to jump back.

"What happened?" she murmurs, staring at the dark room and the subtitles rolling on the screen.

"In the movie? The hero won. In real life? Daisy went to the bathroom. You, uh.. you fell asleep. On my shoulder," Fitz says, getting quieter and quieter.

"Sorry," she says with a flush.

"It's okay! It's just.. you haven't done that in a long time."

The truth of those words echoes in the silence of the room for a while, and then she looks down at her hands, curling the blanket up into her fist.

"Things between us have been different," Jemma says, very carefully.

"Don't I know it," he says, and they both laugh, albeit awkwardly.

"I'm sorry," she spills out suddenly. His eyes widen.

"Jemma…"

"No, I need to say this. Please. I understand that I hurt you, but you also have to understand.. I didn't think I was coming back, Fitz. Ever. There's a point where you just get so hopeless that you can't… Anyway. I was alone. And then there was Will. He wasn't you, but he was Will, and this is going to sound absolutely terrible, but I needed someone. I had all these.. these holes where the people I love were supposed to be, and he did too, and we just sort of used each other to plug up these holes. And I do love him, but I just.. he wasn't my best friend, Fitz. He had no idea how to work technology, didn't have a ridiculous obsession for monkeys, and he wasn't my best friend. You are. Were. I.. I don't know what you see of me anymore. But I just… I just needed to say it, Fitz."

He's staring at her, wide-eyed, and oh god, she's screwed everything up, because he doesn't say anything for ever and ever and ever, until:

"Are." He blinks, and he gains confidence with every word. "You are my best friend. Not were."

She wants to cry in relief, and okay, maybe a few tears leak out, but she's smiling when Fitz tentatively tangles his fingers with hers.

"I meant what I said the other day, you know," he says. "I just want you to be happy."

"Me too," she tells him softly. "But I was stupid."

"Good people do stupid things," he says, and her smile is so giddy she thinks she might faint.

"Is that why you never said anything? About Will?"

He shrugs, but she knows she's hit the nail on the head. "What was I supposed to do? I thought he made you happy."

"He does. But there are other things that make me happier," she says, and she wants to lean in for a kiss so bad, but then she remembers an innocent smile and wispy-blonde hair, and she twists to kiss his cheek instead.

She finds it kind of adorable that he still blushes even after all they've been through, and she also finds it rather suspicious that Daisy bursts in at the perfect time.

Still, she doesn't care too much, because under the covers, she's holding Leopold Fitz's hand, in what she tells herself is a platonic fashion, because she doesn't think she can bear making Lily cry.

/

When the second movie is finished, Daisy shuts the computer down with a yawn and declares that she's had enough of tolerating their criticism of the movie.

"I'm tired too," Jemma admits. "I should get to bed."

"Fitz will walk you to your room," Daisy says immediately, and Jemma frowns.

"I can walk perfectly fine by myself, thank you."

"Why?" Fitz says at the same time, although he's high-pitched. "She's fine."

Daisy glares at Fitz and kicks him in the shin, and he hurriedly amends himself. "I mean, sure, I'll walk you to your room. It's dark, and you… could.. get lost?"

Daisy groans and collapses into her bed. "You're supposed to be smooth, idiot."

Jemma barely manages to hide her grin and bids goodbye to Daisy. Her and Fitz walk down the hallway, and they're quiet, but that's okay, because for the first time in months, Jemma feels whole again, and happier than she's ever been.

They're at her room all too quickly, and Fitz's hand brushes against hers as she opens her door and hovers in the doorway, lips pulled into a lazy smile.

"We've got a lot of working out to do, Fitz."

"Yeah," he murmurs, because suddenly they're far too close for best friends. In fact, so close that she can literally _feel_ his lips hovering above hers, his nose brushing against hers, curls tickling her forehead.

She wants to bridge that gap so bad it burns, but she captures his gaze last minute and whispers, "Lily."

To her surprise, Fitz smiles sheepishly. "We broke up."

She blinks, surprised, breath still stolen at their proximity. "You did? Why?"

"I.. I told her something similar to what you said when Daisy was out. Yesterday. I said.. I said that you were my best friend, and it didn't feel right to be with Lily when.. when it wasn't her I was thinking about."

That's the sweetest thing she's ever heard, but she angles her head slightly and breathes out, into his mouth. "How'd she take that?"

"Well, actually," he whispers. "Cried a bit, but.. she said she understood."

"She is the sweetest girl," Jemma murmurs.

"Yeah." Fitz swallows, and suddenly Jemma is closing off those last few inches, pressing her lips to his.

It's sweet and it's patient and it's nothing like the passionate embrace Jemma envisioned, but they're getting there, and right then, as she falls back to the flats of her feet and his hands fall away from her waist, she thinks that there's no other way she'd rather have it.


End file.
